[Kinaesthetic Learning, 867 words, Genre: Dark Humour]

* Image courtesy of Dirk de Bruyn

Greg had booked in his place at the safety induction to the construction work site course. It was one of those training courses that you’d sit in a classroom for the day and at the end of the day you would walk out with a certificate. The certificate would be a makeshift representation of a white card until it was mailed out to you. The classroom was packed full of men, more of the practical type. The sort of work that was being asked of the inductees called for it.

And as they sat there in the classroom, filing into the classroom, rolling in and taking their seats; they all couldn’t wait for the day to be over. Another day of classwork… The kinaesthetic type persona that the work attracted never were all that appreciative of a classroom environment. And because of that fact alone, they were all counting down the hours that were being consumed by the delivery of the coordinator’s efforts.

It had happened some time ago… When the new training methods for kinaesthetic learners had been approved. It had begun in Europe and slowly spread across the platform of the Western world. Not that any of the inductees to the training course were aware of that fact. It had all been placed in the fine print of their enlistment agreement into the course. But which kinaesthetic learner reads those things anyway? And because they were all blissfully unaware of how the course was structured, not one of them had any idea of what they had exactly gotten themselves into.

Greg was still half asleep when the coordinator announced that the test had already begun. The test? What test? As far as Greg knew there was no sheets of paper that had been handed out throughout the classroom. That was when Greg noticed, as he was looking around the room… There was something slightly off about the room. Something that did not sit quite well with him. How the hell could he have not noticed it before? How the hell could he have not noticed it before!?! Everything in the room was a dangerous hazard. From the light switch, to the chairs and tables that they were seated at. Everything, everywhere, was a hazard. It was, after all, a hazard and danger awareness safety course.

Greg got up out of his seat to leave the room. That is when the coordinator stated in quite plain, monotone language, “No, don’t leave the room. This is part of the course. To get your white card, all you have to do is survive the day.”

Greg thought about it for a while and came to the conclusion, ‘If I don’t do this, every day for the rest of my life all I’ll ever be able to afford in terms of luxuries is a pizza every Sunday night.’ And so, for want of a better life Greg decided to stick it out as did the others contained within the classroom.

“Can anybody tell me what is wrong with this room?” The coordinator asked the group.

“It’s farked!” One of the students called out.

That’s when the coordinator brought out a series of throwing knives and threw one at the student, the student dodged and it was a near miss. “That’s a near miss,” the coordinator stated, “Just for future reference, no indecent language on site. It can be interpreted as workplace bullying that often leads to incidents of violence taking place on site.”

The student nodded and, shocked, kept his mouth closed.

“Would anyone like a drink of water?” The coordinator asked.

One of the students replied that they did and went up to get a glass of water. Little did they know that the water container was leaky and next to electrical wires, so as soon as they turned the tap to get their much needed glass of water, about a thousand volts went up and into their body. They just lay there, at the front of the classroom, shivering with electrical burns.

One student got up out of his seat and made for the exit, that’s when a bag of cement fell through the ceiling and crushed him. Landing on his head, it pretty much killed him instantly.

“Beware of falling objects,” the coordinator stated.

The other students shivered at the calmness of the coordinator’s voice.

The class went on like this and slowly students were dropping dead all around Greg. It took a lot for him to survive throughout the day. When the day ended there were about five students left, of the sixteen that had entered the room. Greg was one of them.

“Well done everyone! You’ve all passed the test.” One of the students began crying. “Does anybody want a lolly?”

Greg raised his hand, “I’ll take one of those.”

Greg took the lolly, placed it in his mouth and began chewing and then swallowed. He began choking… There was something wrong with the lolly, he had been poisoned. Greg dropped flat on the floor as his oesophagus seized up and he ceased breathing.

“And never take candy from strangers.” The coordinator finished teaching for the day, tomorrow it would be the same again.


Arie de Bruyn Born in Sandringham, Melbourne, Victoria (Australia) on the 15th January 1987. Son of Alison and Dirk de Bruyn. Youngest sibling to Kees and Abram de Bruyn. Diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 22. Holds a bachelor degree from Deakin University in Arts (Media & Communication). Attended several high schools. Has lived and worked internationally in New Delhi, India; and Thailand. Currently resides in Geelong, Victoria, Australia. Written several books and self-published them (Check out products and downloads page). Works jobs to earn himself a livable wage. contact: firstofkin@hotmail.com twitter: @firstofkin

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