She had spent her adolescence dreaming of fame, early teens to late twenties. Always focused on the riches and rewards of celebrity status. She would sleep around, always at the prospect of fame. Her burning heart and what it craved: fame. Was it fair that the universe tormented her in this way? Always leading her onwards from bed to bed, for the promise of a place in the spotlight. Like all children, what she was really craving was attention. The attention of the world to marvel at the miracle that she was. And all lives are miracles in their own way. Fame works that way. It’s kind of like a pyramid scheme. Where those who hold power are given power by those who burn with desire for power like theirs’. And all the idiots stand in line, or stand in worship of what they desire. But freedom only comes from the eradication and conquering of that desire.
And so as she made her way from bed to bed, the requests for people’s perversions grew in intensity. Where soon enough she was pleasing multiple men. Always given the promise of tomorrow, tomorrow you will be famous, tomorrow you will have it all. But tomorrow is always one day away, it is the day that never arrives. And from pleasing one man to many, from one night stands to orgies. It always continued to grow, as her desire for fame and fortune grew more intense. The promises became more ludicrous. The concept seemed that much more abhorrent. But still she continued for she was set in her path. Set in her ways and like that song, ‘eye of the tiger’, she was determined.
And then the day came. After one of the orgies in which she had sold herself out one too many times. She felt ill the next day. A sudden recompense of thought prompted her to make her way to the doctors’. There she performed blood tests and for the next week she lay in bed, feeling some sort of illness but not knowing what it was.
And then the results came in. The doctor called her into the office. There she sat, uncertain of herself and the world she had come to inhabit. The doctor delivered the news and she burst into tears. Her blood test came back positive for HIV. Through the tears the doctor gave her her options for treatment. All she could think of was the abolishment of her dreams. Everything came crashing in on itself, her future was eradicated in a single moment. Confronted with her own mortality a fuel tank was thrown onto her anger and for that she raged. She raged against all the false promises that she was given. All of the sentiments for fame disappeared within a blink of the eyes.
From there she went to confront her boyfriend. The one who had organised these meetings with countless men. More of a pimp than anything. She delivered the news of her diagnosis and with rage, she said, “I wanted you to make me famous, not give me HIV.”
To this he responded, “But you are famous.”
“I am?” It caught her off-guard.
“Yeah, famous for sucking dick.”
He left the table and left her sitting there. Confronted with her own mortality, she was at a loss. A loss of spirit, a loss of hope, a loss of direction, a loss.