[The Greatest Prank of All Time, 648 words, Genre: Mind Fudge]
* Image courtesy of Dirk de Bruyn
In the future, when they have discovered time travel. There will be a system in place, to stop people from committing crimes or having an effect on the time line. For camouflage purposes, time machines will be disguised as bicycles, to allow for as little effect on the time continuum to occur. They will be rented out to sight seeing time travellers, who go on holiday throughout time to visit their favourite points in time. To minimise corruption of the time line, time travellers must sign a contract so that they don’t interact with other people of different times. They undergo an interview process, have strict background checks and are scrutinised to the nth degree, all in an effort to minimise the time continuum. All would have gone according to plan, all time crimes would have been avoided, if it weren’t for one man.
Jose was an employee of the Time Travel bureau. It was his job to ensure that all potential Time Travellers met their obligation to have as little effect on the time continuum as possible. He was interviewing someone right now, an odd man with eccentric ideas. It would have been a simple case of denying this man access to a Time Travelling bicycle for his peculiarities, yet this was no simple case.
“So Mr?” Jose asked clarification of the man’s name.
“Mr. Jones, but most people call me Beezlebub for the way I act.”
“Okay, Mr. Beezlebub, tell me what tasks what period of time would you like to visit.”
“All of them.”
“All of them?”
“And why do you want to visit all periods of time?”
“To create history.”
“Now, you know as well as I do that we don’t create history, we simply observe.”
“Not me. I’m the reason why history is the way history is.”
“I’m sorry, we simply can’t allow you access to a time machine with that attitude.”
“Why, if you don’t allow me access to a time machine, you will never exist.”
Jose was a bastard, he never knew his father. “Why, that’s ridiculous!” At his exclamation, Jose felt a pain in his stomach. The pain was growing more intense.
“I’m sorry to say this Jose, but I’m your father. I’m a lot of people’s father. You see, it’s my plan to go through history and have sex with the most famous mothers of all time, giving birth to the most famous people of all time.”
“What!? No, you can’t do that!” Jose’s pain became more intense, it was as if he were disappearing from the inside.
“Yes, it’s my prank on history. I’m even the father of all my close friends. Apart from this one friend. He’s his own father. He wanted to see his deceased mother one last time after I get access to the time machine. So I take him there with me and leave him there. It’s a funny situation for him. He has to have sex with his own mother so that he can exist. He will be quite distraught about it, but we all must do what we must do to exist. Just like you must give me access to a time machine so that you can exist.”
“What no!?” Jose was feeling worse by the second.
“Just agree to help me and the pain will go away.”
“Never…” The pain became excruciating as Mr. Beezlebub and Jose sat there. As the pain became stronger for Jose, his resolve weakened until he said, “Okay, I will give you access to a time machine.” And the pain for Jose disappeared instantly.
“Good choice son.”
Jose gave Mr. Beezlebub access to the time machine and since then Mr. Beelzebub has gone throughout time, having sex with all sorts of famous people’s mothers. Giving birth to all sorts of freaks and talented people. He’s been fucking with the timeline since the dawn of history.